It's Just You And Me Kid

 

the vapor lights hit my car
parked in the driveway in a
certain way and i feel it
again, still. it's time to
come in here and write it
out.

and i pour out my heart in
words over and over, changing
the cadence and rhythm, varying
the style and depth, but it's
always the same thing:

why did it happen?
why do i still feel this way?
when will it stop?

i want it to stop.

but do i?

so i'm watching this movie with
glenn softly snoring beside me
and there's this song the main
characters are singing on their
road trip across America, and
there's this line of lyric that
makes me catch my breath. "shame,
shame, shame, shame, shame on you
if you can't pass through."

and i know it's corny and i know
it's probably not a sign, signs
for me don't make themselves known
until long after the fact. but i
know the city that car is passing
through, know the state. i can
smell the air there, the very early
spring smell of snow melting and
the earth awakening. i can close
my eyes and smell it still. but
they're singing this snatch of song
as they pass through this particular
state and i think to myself that maybe
it's time to really work on putting it
all behind me, but i'm unsure of just
how, exactly, to do that.

if you were to renounce your love for
her and seek me out, would i let you
hold my soul in your hands again? i
always say no, of course i wouldn't,
but there is this tiny voice inside
of me that knows the down and dirty,
the nitty-gritty truth.

it's that voice i have to still forever.
after all that pain, after all these
tears, after all the disappointments
and the gradual realization that i,
and maybe no woman alive, could ever
be more to you than an object, a
destination, a protector, i have to
kill that last gasp of hope that you
would realize i was the one. because
it's so, so obvious that i'm not and
was never meant to be.

until that voice is really silent,
i will forever remain a fool who
would do anything for you.

it doesn't matter that i know just
how little personal integrity you
have. it doesn't matter that i can
list your faults in minute detail.
it doesn't matter that i can actually
see the trail of tears and pain you
left scattered behind you on your
journey to something that you won't
ever really find. none of it matters
because i really and truly gave myself
to you. it doesn't matter how much i
hate it, or how weak it makes me feel,
or how wrong i know i was to let it
happen.

i love you even as i hate you.

denise

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