"...you're the only one i ever wanted..."


it's different now. the hardness around my heart 
is almost impenetrable. sometimes i worry that 
if anything were to pierce it, my heart would shatter
into a million pieces and i would be unable to put 
them back together in any fashion. your legacy. 
isn't that a hoot? years and years after the fact, 
i still feel this damaged, this different than i was. 
something precious that i can never regain was stolen 
from me and i feel the missing thing every day in 
countless ways that i can't even begin to detail in mere 
words, stupid as that sounds.

and yet...

and yet there is something that i've gained, too. i am a 
survivor. i survived that. i thought i would die. i wanted 
to be dead. i felt dead for such a long time that when i
started to feel again, it physically hurt. and i can look back 
now from where i am today and see how far i've come, even 
with the missing pieces of myself that i didn't think i could 
live without. here i am, alive. i'm honestly surprised by that 
fact. so i know now that i'm strong. i know that whatever 
happens, i'll survive it, that i'll move beyond it, whatever 
"it" is, and whether i want to or not. so that's something 
gained, something permanent and profound. 

but you will always be my touchstone. you will always be, 
in my mind, the thing i survived, the thing i thought would kill 
me and didn't. when bad things happen to me now i always end 
up comparing it to what happened to me with you. it's never as 
bad, though it's come close sometimes. "this," i tell myself, 
"is not as bad as being raped and alone and abandoned in a place 
where no one knew me, where there was no one i could call for help. 
this can never feel as bad as that." maybe the lesson was never 
to be in that position again. now there is always someone i can 
call, someone who cares what happens to me, someone who would 
drop whatever they were doing and come to my side if i needed it. 
i'll probably never need that, but if i did, i know i have it, that i don't 
ever have to be that utterly alone again. that's comforting.

and i know you'll never know these things. even if you knew, 
it wouldn't change a single thing. you have been cordially uninvited 
out of my life and i like it that way. 

but to be very honest, i miss you so much sometimes. not enough 
to whisper it to myself as i do when i'm missing Bruce, but enough 
to feel an ache when i think of you. 

you truly are the only one i ever want. damnit.


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