"...you're the only one i ever wanted..."
it's different now. the hardness around my heart
is almost impenetrable. sometimes i worry that
if anything were to pierce it, my heart would shatter
into a million pieces and i would be unable to put
them back together in any fashion. your legacy.
isn't that a hoot? years and years after the fact,
i still feel this damaged, this different than i was.
something precious that i can never regain was stolen
from me and i feel the missing thing every day in
countless ways that i can't even begin to detail in mere
words, stupid as that sounds.
and yet there is something that i've gained, too. i am a
survivor. i survived that. i thought i would die. i wanted
to be dead. i felt dead for such a long time that when i
started to feel again, it physically hurt. and i can look back
now from where i am today and see how far i've come, even
with the missing pieces of myself that i didn't think i could
live without. here i am, alive. i'm honestly surprised by that
fact. so i know now that i'm strong. i know that whatever
happens, i'll survive it, that i'll move beyond it, whatever
"it" is, and whether i want to or not. so that's something
gained, something permanent and profound.
but you will always be my touchstone. you will always be,
in my mind, the thing i survived, the thing i thought would kill
me and didn't. when bad things happen to me now i always end
up comparing it to what happened to me with you. it's never as
bad, though it's come close sometimes. "this," i tell myself,
"is not as bad as being raped and alone and abandoned in a place
where no one knew me, where there was no one i could call for help.
this can never feel as bad as that." maybe the lesson was never
to be in that position again. now there is always someone i can
call, someone who cares what happens to me, someone who would
drop whatever they were doing and come to my side if i needed it.
i'll probably never need that, but if i did, i know i have it, that i don't
ever have to be that utterly alone again. that's comforting.
and i know you'll never know these things. even if you knew,
it wouldn't change a single thing. you have been cordially uninvited
out of my life and i like it that way.
but to be very honest, i miss you so much sometimes. not enough
to whisper it to myself as i do when i'm missing Bruce, but enough
to feel an ache when i think of you.
you truly are the only one i ever want. damnit.
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