Yeah, Well

 

this is it, see? this is the thing. i know what i am.
i try not to lie to myself. i bore myself to fucking
tears. i read the words i drone on and on and
then i leave and live my life and try and get through
the rough spots.

i have used people to help me see myself more
clearly, for we all know how depression fucks us
up and screws up our thinking. "no," they
tell me, "you are this and this, too." and that's
a good thing because you know those times when
you only see the bad stuff, you don't see the good.

so now i look at myself. i look in my eyes in the
bathroom mirror and i see someone i can respect
most of the time. that's a good feeling. to feel
safe within yourself. to know that the whole world
can turn against you, but you are still there, still holding
yourself, still protecting yourself *from* yourself and from
the world at large.

but i gotta do something, man. i gotta get outside of this.
i let it fester and wound me to the quick and for *what*???
for *that*?

no. nope. no way.

so i'm thinking last night as i lay on the couch trying to sleep
after another nightmare, "this is not good for me."

truer words never spoken. and no therapist has to tell me this.
the truth of it resonates inside of me. i cannot do this thing
anymore.

so i guess in a way *it* wins. i can't stay here and pretend that
i can get over this thing in any way other than the right way.

call it running, call it hiding, call me a coward, i don't have to
believe those things. i have to do what will help me, don't i?

"oh, you're so self-centered." you bet your fucking ass. cause
there won't be, for me, that time i put all my trust and faith in
something, someone outside myself and find myself huddled in
a ball with knives in my hands and tears streaming down my face
waiting to be rescued ever again. i save myself now, damnit.

you gotta save your own life, you know. or else what does it matter?

if i only take my value from other people or places or things, what
good *is* my life?

you can say that this place keeps you sane or keeps you alive or
helps get you through the rough spots, but i know different. i know
that unless you've met these people face to face, it's just black
words on a white screen that fade when the power goes off.

at first you feel like you can't live without these people, this
place. but you've got what you need inside of yourself. you
just lack the belief in yourself.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i have kept myself in a place
that i can't share with someone i hate. someone whose very name
makes me feel the dirty hands on my skin. "killfile with extreme
prejudice." uh huh. keep your mouth shut or hide behind words
that only you understand.

what a fucking choice.

i've come more than the 800 miles between missouri and alabama.
i've come a whole lifetime. i've come whole life*times*.

now i have lots of places where i "fit" because i no longer think
everyone in the world is better than i am.

listen to this because it's the truth:

i ain't no better or stronger than anyone else.
i ain't no worse or more weak than anyone else.
i am standing up and saying "i'm your equal."

later.

denise

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