i'm trying to do that thing. that stepping back
from the pain and finding ways to deal with it,


a mail in my inbox and i'm swept away and
i realize, i'm still in love with the dream. the
reality, once it occurred, was shit, nothing
whatsoever like the illusion.

no, that's not true. the reality, when we were
together, was wonderful. but there must have
been the scent of decay about me, or i was too...
too...what? too me?

i'm sure that's probably what it was.

and the horrible thing is that the reality of him,
while different than the illusion, was still enough
for me. i didn't want to change him back then,
i just wanted what we had planned.

now i know that if it had happened, had he loved
me enough to move in with me, i would have been
constantly suspicious, constantly on the alert for the
lies that he needed to tell in order to live.

so, what? i had an epiphany? i want to hate him for
the lies and the pain and the shattering of my stupid,
naive heart, but that would mean hating myself.

and i'm tired as fuck of hating myself.

the world hates me. i need someone on my side.

might as well be me, eh?


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