Was/Was Not

 

was there ever a time
i was anything more to
you than a reflection
of what you wanted to
be?

was there ever the slightest
bit of feeling for me that
you kept hidden like a secret
in the deepest part of your heart?

was there anything i could have
done or said or not said or not
done or tried to say and messed
up that could have changed what
you thought we were?

i couldn't change myself for you.
i tried so hard, too hard maybe,
to be what you wanted, what you
seemed to need. i would lay in
bed too exhausted to sleep, worn
out with the effort of maintaining
the mask you forced me to wear.

and this is how my happily-ever-after
ended. not with someone to hold my
hand and talk with me, but with
someone i can't stand for more than
24 hours at a time before i must run
screaming away again. the changes
in my life take my breath away sometimes
at 3 in the morning when i'm walking the
long hall between bedroom and bathroom
to stare at my face in the mirror to
make sure i still exist. yes, there
are my eyes, that's my hair, this is
my face without the smile that everyone
used to love.

forgive me for being bitter today. it
seems i've tasted the fruit of forever
and find it unpalatable. forever is
locked in this skin with me listening
to the same songs, saying the same things,
always in a strange place.

i'd say things will look better in the
morning, but morning's almost over and
the feelings remain.

denise

 

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