He Wasn't Supposed To Do That


"love ya."
and my heart started pounding. he wouldn't say it
if he didn't mean it. i don't want to hear that.

no, no, no.

and he said it on the phone. we've talked many times
on the phone and have never said that. why tonight?

because tonight we stood on my porch and kissed
as he left to go LAN all night with the guys. when
the kiss was done we just looked at each other.
those words are supposed to be there when you
feel the way we feel. but we didn't say them.

"love ya."

light and airy and oh so not-too-importantly said.

it's really true. i don't want a serious relationship. i
don't want someone here with me 24/7, especially
someone who doesn't dance. glenn doesn't dance.
he will only dance two times a night with me when we
go out and so i have to be careful which songs i pick
to dance to.

"love ya."

and off and on today i've thought about my past
and how horrible it is to still love and want someone
who wants nothing to do with you, who found someone
else better than you.

it's not been an urgent thing. it's not been bad enough to
cry over, but a couple of times i found myself shaking
my head forcefully to make the thoughts retreat to the
back of my mind.

"love ya."

so i am attractive. i am desirable. i am not going to be
alone during this next part of my life unless i want to
be. i don't have to worry that i can't find someone to
share myself with.

i miss him. it's been nice to sit in this room and look
over and see him at the other computer. we talk
about what we're doing, or not. but missing him
does not give him permission to say,

"love ya."

"love ya, too."


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