Was There

 

anything to all those words on my screen? was
there anything for the woman i am, the person i
am, the human being i am? was i really nothing
more than a collection of sexual organs designed
and created for you to plunder and mock?

was there ever anything of you that i was able to
catch and hold tight in my hand? something i
could point to and say, This, this is what he is.
your skin would be slippery and your movements
quick so my hand would slide off or fail to gain
purchase on even the smallest part of your life.

was there ever any hope? did at one time the
thought of me fill with you joy or anticipation or
anything approaching love? because if there
was, you needed to let me know.

was there ever any possibility of me not fulfilling
that part of my destiny? if i had known for sure
the way it would all turn out, would i
still have reached for that brass ring that was
just behind your eyes? would i have said the
things i said, done those things, felt that way
by choice?

i'll never know and so these are the things i shake
out of my head. i stuff those places with tissue paper
and leave no room for the thoughts.

sometimes i want to go home so badly. i want the sounds
and the sights and the smells and i want my best friend
only 5 miles and a local call away from me. sometimes i
want to run back to knapper and say, I will do anything,
be anything, accept anything, if you will just hold me
again while i sleep.

instead i stand and face what i am able to bear.

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