So I Walk Out To My Car
and the air is warm and muggy out,
cool, almost cold in, so it's a
nice surprise and off to the west
the sky is pink and blue, like a
baby's blanket, soft looking, like
you could curl up in it and get
a good, long nap.
and it hits me. i don't "belong"
to anyone or anything. my father
and mother are now totally split
up, my dad moved to Louisiana to
live with my brother, Alan, he
quit making the house payments,
my mom is worried that she's losing
her house, she celebrated the 2nd
anniversary of her mother's death
by herself (my mother idolized my
grandmother) in bed, crying, she
tells me when i go over because my
dad has called telling me to call
her for the second time ("have you
called your mother, denise?" "no,
dad." "why not," he asks me, and
i want to say, "because she's a
toxic bitch," but i don't.) with
real concern in his voice, so i have
otherwise i haven't had any contact
with my parents in months. it just
got too hurtful, ya know?
so anyway, i'm really on my own. i
don't belong to anyone. and it's
the most freeing feeling i've ever
had. it's also the most terrifying.
yeah, i know. i have been avoiding
this for most of my life. facing
the fact that i'm really accountable
to myself, come on! how anxiety-provoking
can that be? well, lots.
i drive slowly to the store, seeing things
differently. i am not chained to a place
or to people or even to things anymore.
well, to this computer, yes. this would
go with me wherever i went.
i make my purchases and walk back out into
the blue-pink night.
no, i don't know what it means either
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