it's at bay, finally. it's not the immediate, urgent,
"must do it now, or if not now, soon," feeling.
right at this moment, i don't want to die. but
the moment will pass and i will have too much
time on my hands and instead of starting that
book i keep telling myself i want to write, i will
think about the direction in which my life is

and i know i have a choice here. i know it
is my choice about how i live my life. it is my
life, my choice, for all that i feel my life is out
of my control right now. i've been making
plans all day today. i will start asking glenn
to leave me my car so i can go in person to
these places i am faxing. i will get a job. i
will save up $3,000 and i will use that money
to move, all by myself, to another town where
no one knows me. i will start clean. no lover
waiting for me, no memories of
being hurt, no mother to remind me that i
have turned out just as she said i would.


somewhere near the ocean. someplace small.
and i will live quietly. ok, i'll play my music much
too loudly sometimes and i will buy an amp for
my microphone and serenade the waves, but
other than that, i will live quietly. and i will stand
or i will fall. my home will be clean and cool.
pinks and greens, yellows and bright blues.
comfortable. with my books and my music
and my gardens.

and it will never happen.


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