Oh, That Urge To Die

 

can be so strong. what business is it of anyone's
if i give in to it? why does it matter so much that
we keep going? i get to a point where the road
behind me is twisted and dark and i can point
out each place i've fallen and scraped my knees,
bloodied my nose, hit my head. to look back
reminds me of each misadventure, each piece
of pain i've caused myself or others, or had
others cause me. and the road ahead is
hidden, black, unlit. there's nothing to guide
me, no signs telling me where i need to go
next. and the road i'm on at this moment is
a highway littered with gaping holes and
"things" blocking my way.

i get like this after the full moon. i know this
of myself every month, yet it takes me by
surprise every time. i get angry with myself
because i know it's coming, i feel it building,
yet too many times i feel powerless to stop
the thoughts, to change the pattern. frustrated,
i scream in the void and never hear the echo of
any other voice.

it doesn't matter what anyone says, sometimes
i just want to die and get it over with.

denise

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