i hear this high pitched musical note
in my right ear at frequent intervals.
it's starting to flip me out. it's
so odd and i turn my head to find the
noise, but of course it's in my head.

the other day i could not for the life
of me think of the word "mount." someone
brought in a TV set for his mother and
maintenance has to put it up to make sure
it's "safe." i had to leave a note for
maintenance and i couldn't find the
word "mount" anywhere inside my head,
though i knew what the word meant and
i tried to tell the other nurses, used
hand gestures and everything, but the
ding-dang word wouldn't come. that
happens more and more frequently and
i worry that i'm starting to get Alzheimer's,
that my brain is turning to mush and what
would happen if that were so? who would
take care of me?

stupid, stupid, stupid.

i understand why people find it so hard
to leave an abuser. there is comfort in
the familiar and the worry that you will
have something horrible happen to you and
no one will care or there will be no one
to take care of you is a scary worry indeed.

but this "ting" thing, man, that's not worrying
me, it's annoying as hell.


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