I Get Stuck

 

sometimes between the beginning and the end.
stuck somewhere in the middle, somehow unable
to go forward, unwilling to go back. just stuck
there with what's in front of you, what your mind
has pushed to the surface. you stare into it and
get lost, lose your sense of direction so there is
no up, no down, no back, no forward. there is
just here, this place, this feeling, this memory.

sometimes i let the tears carry me back or forward.

today i turned off the computer and went to sit with
glenn while he watched a movie i had no interest in.
he was laying on one end of the couch with his legs
crossed, my hand on his thigh, caressing him. facing
the TV, i caught sight of his wallet on the table beside
me. i could not see his face. i started to cry because
his wallet is just like someone else's and for a moment
i thought i was back home, my hand on Knapper's thigh,
his flesh warm under my palm.

i got stuck. i am stuck. i am stuck in the middle of my
life and sometimes i can't go forward, can't go back,
all i can do is cry and hope the tears float me forward
or backwards so i can not be in this moment, not with
these memories, not with these feelings.

denise

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