Step Back, Breathe, Close Eyes, Commence

 

it's not about who is right and who is wrong anymore.
it's not about what he said and what she responded
to and what they said in reaction.

it's about...

it's about...

it's right on the tip of my fingers, but i can't quite
grasp it. i only know what it's not about.

safety? an illusion. i learned there is no "safety"
in this world.

harm? i am able to harm myself in ways no one else
would ever dare.

guilt? who is innocent? me? you? them?

this isn't about what you think it is.

this post, i mean.

there is something hidden, like a prize in the bottom of a cracker

jack box, inside these words.

sorry, can't give you a decoder ring.
you'll have to find that for yourself.

am i talking to you? to myself? to no one?
even i don't know the answer to that.

i want out. i want out of this self-imposed hell.
i want away from the stench of guilt and regret and
bridges burning merrily behind us.

sometimes i can almost feel myself.
but i'm afraid i've buried that soul under years made
up of lost chances.

here's something funny...

remember mark? my glenn's best friend?

the one i wrote and said, "don't come over here anymore.
i don't want to love you" ?

he and glenn are in my living room right now watching television.
the world, people, is stranger than we would ever believe.

and with my own brand of courage, i will close my eyes,
take a big, deep breath, and do what i have to do.

i will let go.

denise

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