This Is How It Starts

 

i know myself well. it starts with not being able
to sleep. it's not the computer keeping me up,
it's some sort of wiring in my brain gone weird.
i get the days and nights confused and start
not getting enough sleep and i go nuts.

well, actually i'm still nuts.

this person you see posting? she's not
me. me is hiding somewhere waiting for
the next opportunity.

why can't love save us? no. why can't love
save ME? because it can't you know. it's not
glenn's loving me that will keep me alive. he
loves me to distraction. he puts me first in almost
everything. he is never inconsiderate, rude to me,
intolerant, snippy. never. not even when i push
his buttons. and yes, i'm an excellent button pusher.

sometimes i feel this tension. this sort of strange
wired feeling, like before a big storm, and i will
instigate dissention just to clear the air.

or maybe it's just that i'm a bitch.

"say the words," i will say once in a while, when i really,
really need to hear them.

"i love you, neecie," he says.

he said it at my request tonight and i responded, "i love you,
too."

"good!" he exclaimed. "i need to hear that, too."

whoa!

gave me a pause. love ain't no one way street for me. it's
love and be loved or it's disaster. i can't keep a thought in
my head longer than a minute lately, i swear. i was going to
say something and now it's gone. just gone out of my head.

oh. there it is. its come back.

it is hard to be my lover. i am high maintenance emotionally. not
that i'm this needy/sucking person right now, though i admit to
being such right after i left knapper. i am just mercurial. and
i don't do those things i don't HAVE to do if i don't want to do
them. i don't do a lot of things anymore just to "keep the peace"
in a relationship.

i, i, i, i, i, i, i.

i'm sick of me.

denise

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