when i get really sad and cry i just say over and
over, "sometimes i feel..."

sometimes that's enough to let me know that i
won't always feel bad.

sometimes i feel.

sometimes i don't.

saturday afternoon my mom and i went window shopping at this
really cool store where there were lots and lots of silk flowers and
plants and candles. big, three wicked candles, aroma therapy
candles, candle stands and holders. i wandered for a long time,
losing my mom and finding her again. i'd have her come look at
something i'd found or she'd have me follow her to see a treasure
she'd found.

afterwards we went out for a chinese lunch and at one point she
left the table to go to the bathroom and i was left sitting there
alone. i stared out the window and thought about the past year.
so many changes for me. so many things to get over, to release,
to hold on to.

a car passed on the street, small and silver and suddenly i was back
in Missouri riding with Bill through the streets of Springfield
listening to Steely Dan. it didn't hurt. it just made me feel very
sad. i closed my eyes and pictured my old apartment on Thoman
St., near the railroad tracks, the sound of the train whistles late on
a summer evening. those feelings, those fears and that pain will
always be inside of me. the color of the carpet, the kitchen, the
room my computer lived in. all a part of me forever. i grew up in
many ways in that apartment. my first apartment all my own.
i took care of myself. i kept myself alive. i lived through that.
there was no one but me to lean on.

my arms still ache from holding myself all those days and nights.
now glenn holds me and my arms can rest for a while.

there are steely dan songs that still make me cry. they bring back
the taste of his lips, the smell of the city, the sounds, the

moving on is easier when you have something to move forward to, isn't
it? for a long time i had nothing. i was totally isolated. there
were whole weeks when i never left that apartment. never turned off
the computer. it was my whole world.

sometimes i feel like i'll never get over that.

most times i know i already have.

sometimes i feel...peace.


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