Oh, Just Shut Up, denise

 

that's what i think when i try to post.
i've written 4 posts about what life
was like while i was home and i've
deleted every one of them. and time
is doing that funny thing where it's 10am
one minute and the next it's 1:24pm.

a home of my own. quiet when i need it
to be. clean. my furniture, my clock over
the mantel marking off the minutes. the
color of the sunlight filtered through my
rose-colored blinds. the sounds of the
traffic over the bridge. the smell of the
river. the peace of knowing what i have
to do, the terror at discovering i cannot
do it. unlocking my door, turning off the
lights, seeing the dishes in the drainer,
opening the fridge.

my books. my pictures. my music. my
candles. putting all the mail in the file
cabinet so it can be found by someone
else.

there's a life i lost somewhere that i can't
seem to find within these alien walls. there's
the woman these people know, the woman
glenn loves and the me that is still so lost.
where am i? why can't i find her? i'm not
looking for her in anyone else's eyes, i've
tried. but she's hiding from everyone. i
know she's still scared, know she's still hurting,
know she's still so lost. i see her shadow in
the scar on my arm. here the echo of her voice
in a song i sing, but i can't reach her.

i think she's somewhere between life and
death, engaged in a struggle with forces
that seem stronger than she, but which really
aren't. if she dies, this new me will have to
take her place and carry on. if she dies.
if she lives, will i recognize her?

i wonder sometimes how my roses are doing
in Michigan. will knapper keep them growing
for me? feed them? get them ready for winter?
you think you've put down roots and you find
that every strong wind displaces the
soil around your feet, shifting sands that sting when
it blows into your eyes and obscures your view.
maybe there are no roots. maybe that is an illusion
we sell ourselves to give us comfort on dark nights.

i don't know anymore. when i figure it out, i think
i'll know what it is i'm supposed to be doing. cause
i can't believe it's what i'm doing now. right now i'm
going to do what i always do when the buzz starts up
too loudly in my head; sleep.

denise

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