Shhh, Don't Respond

 

i'm in a pickle. i've got stuff that i want to talk about,
things i need to write, feelings i need to express, but
no place to put them. trouble with news servers, you
know.

one of my oldest and most favorite empty groups is
apparently not empty anymore. i received via email
notification from the moderators of that group (when
the hell did THAT happen?) that my posts there are
not welcome and have been denied.

so i'm tense and jittery and anxious. i've got this
stuff going on here in my life and i don't know if
i should handle it or just float with it.

last night Glenn brought over "Hope Floats" and
i couldn't watch it. i had to leave the room several
times because it bothered me. I'm no aging prom
queen. i'm the girl you only noticed when she
sang in the choir or variety show. i was the one
with the alcoholic mother who was rapidly spinning
out of control and making my life miserable.

the best line from the movie? "you've always
been extravagant with your chances, Bertie."

i feel that way. i throw away chances all the time.
but it doesn't feel that way to me. it just feels like
i'm making a good decision at the time.

oh, i don't care if you respond, but i'm not writing this
as a troll for responses. i just don't know where to
put this fear and ambivalence.

i don't want this, but i want it, but i know if i start
depending on it, it will blow away in the wind.

and i told him i was upset with his "love ya" the
other day. "don't say that," i told him.

he just walked out of the room.

i'll get over it. i'll deal with it. it just hurts and is scary
right now. i don't want to push it.

but a secret between us: he does love me. i know this.
it's in everything he does. it's in the way he's changed
some of his behaviors. it's in the way he controls his
temper. it's in his eyes.

i wanted someone to share my life with. but i don't want
to hear the words, "i love you, denise."

denise

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