Secret Messages


i would try to understand, as the days dragged
by, but i never did. i must have written you a
million emails and was answered with silence.
the silence...

well, it drove me crazy. i wrote a post once,
"and in your silence is my answer." it was so
true, it made me weep. but then, everything
made me weep then. birds outside the window,
the light hitting my front door, the sound of a car
on the street.

most times i would lay in my closet, hands gripping
the knife, tears falling into my ears (god, i hated that)
talking to people who were dead, asking why it all
happened. they answered, but i've forgotten what
they said.

work, computer, closet. my world from june till september
when i moved here. it seems like it was forever, not
just 3 months. i was so lost. i didn't know why i was still
alive. but i held on. the knife was for protection.

the night that man showed up in my window, i had been
sleeping on the bed for the first time in a very long time
because it was so hot and the a/c was broken.
i woke from a restless sleep because he said, "hello?
hello?" and i thought it was you. i stumbled into the
living room and stopped dead when i saw it was a stranger
looking in my window. i thought my heart stopped.

oh, those were the days, weren't they? that hot Missouri
summer when i thought life was over. the sound of your voice
in my ear, my soul in your hands.

why'd ya have to crush it like that?


| home | back | next | words |