"Your Search Ends Here"

 

it said, so i stayed a while and looked
inside to see if my search was indeed over.

no.

still searching.
still reaching.
still straining.
still trying.

will i ever find it?

what is it i'm searching for?

was it necessary to come all this long way to find it?

lately it has come to me that the search won't end until
i do.

until i end.

and what of this infant inside of me? this bundle of neurons
and cells that first drew breath on the 6th of december in
1957. in my dreams i hear her crying. lost and cold and wanting.
i hate her. she disturbs me. she makes me angry. i want to kill
her before she's born.

you can't change the past.

you can't change yourself.

you can't change other people.

you can only float on dreams and tears.

current too swift today. carries me back and forth. unknown
destinations, declaration of death, "i am dead to my sons."
declarations of hope, "please come home." declaration of
independence, "i will live one more day."

i will see your happy ass in hell.

denise

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