it's been an amazing year full of danger and despair
and heartache and confusion and just all around

sometimes late at night i cry for what i gave
up when i left home. i try to imagine myself
making different choices, taking different
paths. then i stop and go to sleep and
wake up disoriented.

i'm not crying so much anymore over leaving
knapper. he had my car repossessed two
weeks ago. that went a long way towards
reminding me why we didn't live well together.

these days i'm spending a lot of time with Glenn,
both at his house and at mine. we're comfortable
with each other. last night he got drunk when we
went out to karaoke. "can I have another rum
and coke," he asked me. "you can do whatever
you want without asking me," i told him. "i don't
own you."

but when we got to my house and started to make
love, he hurt me. badly. i lay on the bathroom
floor and cried myself to sleep. he found me
there and took me back to bed and all i could
think of was that i wanted my safe, warm closet-nest
in Springfield to hide in.

he's sorry, of course. he didn't mean it.
but i wonder, why did he keep doing it
when i was telling him that it hurt? today
i still hurt. he's contrite and tender. i'm
wishing i was numb.

so many things to put away. i do my own
impression of Scarlett O'Hara everyday.
"i won't think about that," i tell myself,
sometimes out loud. but just because i
don't want to think about it doesn't mean
i won't.

mark was at the bar last night. i saw him the
moment i walked in but pretended not to.
i watched him watching me out of the
corner of my eye and cursed him for being
in the same place i was. glenn and mark
are best friends so mark eventually made
his way over to where we were sitting.
he put his cheek next to mine and i froze.
"please, don't touch me," i wanted to scream
at him, "i can't stand how much i miss your

do i regret writing him the letter that told him
not to come over to my house anymore, to
leave me alone? no. i don't.

i would rather have my body hurt a million
times than have my heart hurt once.

this has been a year of great change for me,
yet i'm not different. i'm still full of snakes
and demons and still fighting with myself
over sex and love. i feel like i've only
been swimming in place, treading water.

here's to 1999 and another new beginning.


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