Resolution

 

a nice sounding word, it vibrates, kind of, when
i say it softly to myself.

but what does it mean? how do i get it?

part of it i got a little while ago. i cannot
tell you how wonderful it feels to finally
be free of something that you have
struggled with for a long time.

i breathe deeply, or as deeply as my lungs,
which are still giving me problems, will allow.
the air does not feel heavy. it's scented
with Jasmine. i feel like if i tried hard enough
i could float, weightless, above all the pain
and the rage and the despair.

i got off the computer and cried in glenn's arms.
he held me. "let it out, denise. let it out."
so i sobbed and told him what i was feeling,
how lucky i am that he is here with me, how
much i love him, how happy he makes me.
i tell him how the hate was like a hissing, biting
snake inside of me, filling me with venom, keeping
me from the last part of the healing i need so
desperately.

"i know," he said softly in my ear. "i know."

resolution means letting it go. resolution means
facing the thing that hurts the worst and not backing
down or giving in to the fear that crawls up your spine
like a finger of electricity. it means giving in to the rage
long enough to let it burn itself out.

i think.

i know i'm odd. but i'm not so sick that i can't see that
i was keeping myself in a bad place with my hate. i just
didn't know what to do with it. some days the hate would
lay quiet, fooling me into believing it was gone, that i had
conquered it. then at night after a nightmare it would burst
into furious flame, consuming me.

resolution.

that means i can find the rest of the way to the place i want
to be.

denise

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