Personal And Private Things About My Life


the header said it all. if you're reading this and you
find yourself saying, "jesus! why does she tell this
shit?" i don't want to hear you complain about it.

i went to karaoke after all.

"any new people there tonight," i asked glenn
when he came back home for a few minutes tonight.

"yeah. there's this woman there who sings
really, really well."

"oh, really?"

"yeah, and she sings the same music you do."



"does she sing better than i do, glenn?"

he looked at me archly.

"let's just say she sings *as well* as you do."


so i went. as we're going out the door he says,

"yeah, Kim and mark were going in just as i was
leaving to come here."

so we get there and Eric is there. i love Eric.
when i lost to him in a karaoke contest a long time
ago, he came up to me, a stranger, and said, "this
is bullshit. there is no way i was better than you.
i'm pissed."

Eric was the only one of the three, in my opinion,
who *should* have beat me in that contest.

he says to me tonight, "there you are! decided to
come after all, huh?"

"glenn says there's a woman here who sounds as good
as i do."

"what??? Glenn's wrong! she's no where near
as good as you are!"

i hug him, cause even if he doesn't mean it,
it's still nice of him to say.

so Mark is there. Mark is the first guy i dated
when i got here in Alabama. he's singing when
we get there. when he's done he comes over and
hugs me. "please, i hate it when you hug me,"
i want to tell him, but i don't. he feels good.

but i'm Glenn's girl now and i'm not supposed to
still feel anything for mark. that's over.

but for the whole time he's there, he's looking
at me. i feel him. i can hear him thinking.
Glenn leaves again to come back here with some
friends, and Mark comes over.

"you know," he says softly, "i tried to call you
last week."

"the phone was busy, right?"

"nah. it said it had been disconnected."

i explain about my 2 phone lines and how the
voice one is off but they've kept the computer
one on, i don't know why, it will probably be
turned off soon, and i give him that number.
he takes a long time to program it into his
cell phone. then he just looks at me.

nope. not going to go there. you've escaped.
keep it that way.

later when glenn and i get home i tell him, "i
don't want anyone in my life, Glenn."

"are you saying you want me to leave?" he asks.

i could tell him yes and it would be the truth,
but i can't do that yet. i don't know why.
that time is coming, but not yet.

instead i say, "you don't understand. i don't
want ANYONE in my personal life. not just you.
how often do i go and see my parents? look how
far away i've moved from my kids. i keep trying
to isolate myself. i keep pushing people away.
i know what that means. i know why i'm doing it."

"well, are you going to tell me why?" he asks.


but i know the reasons.


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