one true thing
it's funny. today i was thinking that i haven't cried in
a couple of weeks. i consider crying to be one of
the great emotional cleansers. i am glad i live
alone because i think other people are upset by a
person's tears. they always want to "fix" you, dry
your eyes and help you feel better, not understanding
that sometimes it feels good to cry, and it's good
for you, too.
there have been times in my life when i understood
that my tears were useless, that they were extraneous
and superfluous, that they did nothing at all and were
a waste of my time. but sometimes, no matter how
much you intellectually understand something, you
can't help how you feel and you can't help crying.
i don't get angry at my tears anymore. there's nothing
wrong with crying to release emotion. i'm just very
happy i have the privacy i need to indulge myself.
so i watched this movie, One True Thing, and it made
me think about and feel many things. the scene between
Kate and Ellie, where Kate's trying to tell Ellie all the
things she needs to hear before she dies, things about
being human and marriage, that got me. "You throw him
out of your life and it's like cutting his face out of all your
pictures, you're left with nothing but a big hole." yes. you
think you can't stand something a moment longer, that
you have to change your life and that means getting rid
of the one thing that was the most important thing, but
you don't know that then, you only find it out too many
long, empty nights later.
but then i think the reasons we got married were the
wrong reasons. something my father said yesterday has
been bothering me. something about how i made Bruce
a better person just by being with him, how i was able to
open him up to the world, and i cried about that today. i
know i did it. i struggled and fought and forced my view of
the world on him and was that a good thing? i know he changed
me, too. he added depth and goodness to my life in so many
i think what happened was that when he started
talking about how our lives would be once Chris graduated
and moved out---how it would be us taking trips so he could
hunt and fish, me waiting in the camps he made, doing
domestic things, when i pictured that in my head, it was
just one more battle which i didn't want to fight. it was hard
enough convincing him that women had a larger place in
the world than to make the lives of men more comfortable,
than just to take care of the house and the children. sometimes
now i still don't think i made him truly understand that
women were true individuals even when they weren't married
and making homes for some man. he never did become really
interested in me as a person in my own right. i was an
extension of him, something to make him proud or embarrass him.
and i wonder about my life now without him. it still frightens
me sometimes to know that he won't be there for the next
hard thing i have to face in my life, though i've managed to
face all the hard things that have happened since i left him
by myself. Glenn is not a stand-up guy. it's his movie and i just
have guest role in it. i'm to be there for him, but if something
happens to me, if it's convenient he'll be there, if not, well,
i'm on my own.
and sometimes i wonder if i'll ever love again the way i
loved Bruce. because i did, you know. i loved him body
and soul, would have died for him. i was so committed
to making the marriage work, to making us work.
sometimes i despair that i will ever have that again.
a help-mate. a friend for the rest of my life who's always
there, to care about and for, to share the rest of my
life with. i wonder about it, but i don't really actively
look for that kind of relationship. am i lazy or afraid?
one true thing. i'm not lonely, i'm just alone. i'm certainly
not desperate, but i would like someone here that i could
trust and respect and love. i'm torn between thinking that
if it's meant to be, love will come to me again, and the
feeling that i have to put myself out there, seek out the
person i want to spend the rest of my life with. because
i'm so torn, i end up doing very little about it. for right now,
i feel that's ok. i don't know how i'll feel later on. in three
years i'll be 50 and then what? does it matter? i'm still
working on myself, getting over things and learning the
fine art of letting go and moving on. i wonder if i'll ever
be done with that?
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