No Prize

 

everything today is wrong.

my words, my thoughts, my actions.
a day when you know you don't want to stick
around and see how the story ends.

"do you have any idea how hard it is
to tread water while wearing 40 lbs
of gopher fur?"

"the important thing is that you've moved
on, right?"

yah. right.

i disappointed myself today. i made a mess
in offline life and i can't clean it up myself.
i had to choose between asking glenn and
asking my mom for help.

my mother calls me a liar, but can never tell
me the truth. "i'm fine, denise," she lies to
me, her daughter, a nurse. and i can smell
the disease. her answer made me hesitate.
should i ask her? take the time and dig at
what the truth is? instead i said, "ok," and
walked away without asking her.

i came home and was trying to distract myself
with cleaning. i sat in front of my filing cabinets
and started crying. "this was my life," i told glenn
when he tried to comfort me.

"are we a couple, denise?" he asks me.

"i don't know."

"what do you mean, 'you don't know'? it's an
easy question."

and i try to explain to him that i do not count on his
being there. i live day by day with him, though we've
said "i love you." i tried to tell him how i don't think in
terms of the future anymore.

"yeah, more information than i needed."

i agree.

denise

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