can i go home now, please? i want to go home now, please.
i've paid in spades for all my sins. i've begged and cried and
suffered and died inside. now i want to go home and rest in
Knapper's arms and whisper that my arms were not strong
enough after all to hold myself. i want to feel his breath on
my skin, his lips on my cheek. i want, yes, i crave, him
yelling at me that i am nothing, i have nothing, i will never
have anything.

i swear to god that if something doesn't happen soon to
end this suspension of mine, i will lose it totally. i need
something to live for. something to hold on to. something
to do with my life that makes me feel like a valuable
human being again with something to contribute to
the world around me.

i don't want to live with glenn anymore, i want to go home.
i want the water back on in my apartment, i want to be able
to pay my rent, i want my phones turned back on. i want a
fucking miracle, damnit! i can't stand this anymore. do not
ask me questions if you don't want to hear the honest answer.

"do you think i'm a good person, denise?" he asked me after
telling me he needed to get online to find out where he could
find this poison stuff that would kill his enemies.



| home | back | next | words |