Inertia

 

i

can't

move.


i

am

stuck.


i

want

out.

can i go home now, please? i want to go home now, please.
i've paid in spades for all my sins. i've begged and cried and
suffered and died inside. now i want to go home and rest in
Knapper's arms and whisper that my arms were not strong
enough after all to hold myself. i want to feel his breath on
my skin, his lips on my cheek. i want, yes, i crave, him
yelling at me that i am nothing, i have nothing, i will never
have anything.

i swear to god that if something doesn't happen soon to
end this suspension of mine, i will lose it totally. i need
something to live for. something to hold on to. something
to do with my life that makes me feel like a valuable
human being again with something to contribute to
the world around me.

i don't want to live with glenn anymore, i want to go home.
i want the water back on in my apartment, i want to be able
to pay my rent, i want my phones turned back on. i want a
fucking miracle, damnit! i can't stand this anymore. do not
ask me questions if you don't want to hear the honest answer.

"do you think i'm a good person, denise?" he asked me after
telling me he needed to get online to find out where he could
find this poison stuff that would kill his enemies.

"no."

denise

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