I'm So Lonely
i said these words at 4:22 am this morning,
glenn was asleep.
i repeated it, but not loudly enough for him to hear.
"i still didn't hear you. what's wrong?"
"i'm so lonely, glenn."
there was a pregnant pause.
"then there's something wrong here. you're not being
fulfilled. i'm not meeting your needs, otherwise, you
wouldn't be lonely."
"i've been lonely all my life. and it's basically my choice.
see, i don't want a lot of people in my life, glenn. i never
have. i'm lonelier now than i've been almost at any time
in my life, and i have a lot of people in my life,
non-relatives, and actually, it's more people than
i *want* in my life."
"go to sleep, denise."
"i can't. there's this line on the wall..."
"there's a line on the wall and i don't know where
it's coming from."
"what's wrong, denise?"
"i've never wanted to die as badly as i do right now."
another pregnant pause...
"wow. you sure have a lot more faith than i do."
"what's that mean?"
"because you must really believe that it's going to
be better after you're dead."
sometimes i just can't talk to him. it's like i'm
talking in a foreign language that he can't quite
understand. he gets parts of words
and maybe a phrase or two, but he doesn't understand.
but he did hold me and let me cry until 5:30 this morning.
now he's gone and i'm alone and i'm still lonely
and i still think about jumping into the Coosa from
the Broad St. bridge. but i won't do it, of course.
my kitchen smells of bananas, ripe and sweet.
the queen of the non-sequitur
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