So Christopher Calls Me Today


about 5 times, because he's calling me
from the payphone at work and he keeps
running out of quarters and has to run
and get change.

and we talk disjointedly for all together
about 20 minutes and he suddenly says,
"you know about dad and Suzy, right?"
and my heart freezes. Suzy is Knapper's
first girlfriend since we broke up. and
i want him to have a girlfriend. i told
him once when we were still talking to
each other that he needed to find someone
to hold him till he feels better. that
having someone hold you feels good, makes
you feel like you can breathe again, feel
alive again.

and Chris says, "they've broken up. she
wanted to get married, but dad said he
didn't want to get married again." and i
grin. because i don't like this woman
because my sons have called and told me
that she's always shoving her religion down
their throats, that she tells them that their
dad didn't discipline them enough when they
were little. two of these boys are men. 21
and 23. one of them has two children of his
own. and knapper couldn't be bothered with
the boys when they were young. he was too
busy hunting and fishing and working. i
was those boys whole world for many years.
and they are good men. they are polite,
gentle, funny, smart, clean, respectful.
they are my pride and joy. and i was really
angry at this woman when my sons told me the
things she was saying.

so knapper broke up with her cause she was
pushing him too hard. good for him. but
i could have told her that knapper won't be
pushed. you just don't push knapper. so she
went to his mother and had a private talk with
her, trying to get her to change Knapper's mind.
big, big mistake, Suzy.

i love my ex-husband. i want him to have a good
woman. gentle and kind and good. i want her to
make him happy. i want him very, very happy.
because i love him. i will always love him.
no one else has come anywhere near to being
what he was for me. and just because i couldn't
live as his wife anymore doesn't mean he is a bad
person. he's not. he's just different. and he
deserves good things.

so do i.

so do my sons.


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