It Is This Feeling

 

in the pit of my stomach, in the tips of my fingers...alive.
i am alive. all those times i wanted to die, i held on to
the hope of feeling this.

here.

put your hand over my heart. do you feel that power?

i am alive.

and i still have moments of utter despair, when i can't
shake the fog out of my head, or the pain at waking up.
but they grow more and more like clouds drifting lazily
across the path of the sun. i can see behind the shadow
the burst of yellow that means life.

i don't care if you mock me, if you don't understand me,
if you don't find any value in me. i am alive. and i
stayed alive for just a moment such as this.

i will always be this creature you think you see. i will
always be evolving, changing, shedding my skin and
being reborn, over and over.

as long as i hold on to this feeling and use the hope it
generates to carry me through the next rough spot.

here is my dream:

i live out the rest of my life, quietly, simply, surrounded by
my books and music, with people i care about dropping
in for tea and conversation. i have a flower and a vegetable
garden every year. i make plans for trips, vacations, visits
with my sons, their children. i live my life.

i don't think it's too much to ask.

denise

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