I Know What That Feels Like

 

i know what it is to hate someone who's
hurt you very badly and not have them
understand the reason for your hate. i
know what it's like to watch them go on
as if nothing is different, to see people
treat them as if they are good people
worth interacting with, to want to shout,
"this person is scum, how can you even
TALK with them after what they've done
to me??"

i know that hate. it ate at me. it eats at
me still when i see the person interact with
people i love and i writhe with pain at the
thought that they can love someone whom
i used to love, but now see nothing good in.

and i used to do that, used to follow around
and snipe and snip and inject my hate into
their harmless posts because to me NOTHING
they did was harmless, to me it was just a
mask they were wearing to hide the demon-face
that lay underneath the surface.

but it got me no where. it gave me nothing. it
took the good things i had worked hard for and
turned it into piles of shit that i felt forced to eat.

what i was really eating was my own soul that was
poisoned.

i had to put that person in my killfile. i have to pretend
that person doesn't exist. i have to put away those
thoughts of wishing that person dead, hoping they
die horribly. because it poisons me. it gets in the
way of the good things. it breeds nothing but hate.

i don't think i can ever go back to being the person i
was before that person entered my life and changed
it with their poisoned love.

but i can go forward as if they don't exist, as if they are
not worth my time and attention, not worth my support,
not worth my love. and maybe someday i can forgive
myself for believing they were what they portrayed themselves
as being, good, kind, strong, loving. maybe they are that
way to someone else, but they will never appear that way
to me.

and that is my right after what was done to me.

and it is your right after what was done to you.

denise

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