i'm sorry i lost myself

time with no distraction, it seems i have lots and 
lots of that. what do i do with all my time? i watch movies, 
i stare out the window, i do laundry and dishes, but not much 
of either because how much laundry and how many dishes 
can one person dirty? yesterday i listened to a lot of music. 
it felt good. so i'm doing it again today. and then a little while 
ago Deborah and i danced around my room in our night gowns.

it was a...a moment in time. 

yes, i used to know who and what i was. then i grew up and 
realized that i don't know much about anything at all. it's scary. 
i don't do well on the edge. i need to keep a great distance between 
myself and the edge or i get anxious and irritable. losing parts of 
myself, i try to fill the holes with things, but that will never work. 
and i know that. or i know it as well as i know anything.


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