Lighter Shades Of Gray


sometimes i feel as if i'm fully alive.
it's usually when we're driving through
the mountains or through the river
valley. we come down one mountain
into the valley across a bridge and
in the distance are these beautiful
mountains. i trace their outlines on
the glass with my finger. i pretend
we are on our way home to a house
on one of them. a small, cozy, clean
house without children or dogs. where
the floors don't leave your feet and
socks black.

it's not very often, though. and when
we pull in here my heart always sinks.
and glenn comes in here and gets online
to fly and i check on krys' homework or
make sure she takes a shower and glenn
just ignores everything but the monitor.

i have a dream. i want that small, clean
house on the mountain. and i don't want
anyone there but me. i want the floors
swept and clean. i want a screen door
that makes a comfortable screech when
it's opened or closed. i want a wide front
porch with two of those wooden rockers.
i want to bring lovers home sometimes
and sigh with relief when they leave.

i want to live all alone.

and all i need is a job. i sent out 5 more
resumes today. i hope someone calls
me for an interview tomorrow.

"you've been laying some very harsh
words on me lately, denise," glenn
told me this morning. yeah. words
like, "she's your daughter, take some
responsibility, please."

i'm a very harsh person.



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