Are You Dead Yet?

 

can i pretend that you are? it's easier that way. dead.
if i pretend you meant nothing to me, i meant nothing to
you. i'm almost to that point. not too much longer and
the memories of what we used to be to each other will
be as dead as the pieces of me that i pare away each
day.

i want that. i want you to be dead to me. i'm sure you
feel the same. i'm sure i'm as big a mistake to you that
you were for me. i'm sure i disappointed you. it was
bound to happen. i recognize my own lack of fine-ness
and the things i thought were unique to you were as
common as dirt.

sometimes still i find myself feeling that connection to you
that i used to feel. it takes me by surprise. the other
night i saw your face in my mind just as clearly as if you
were standing in front of me. smelled the scent of your
skin, the touch of your skin on mine. i just rolled over
and thought about all the ways you let me down, all
the ways you failed me. it helped. it cut off the connection
as surely as if a switch had been thrown.

are you dead yet?

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