Car Tunes 1&2

 

so i spent a couple of hours and i taped all my favorite
songs so i can sing them as i drive to and from work,
which takes a half an hour or more each way.

but today, while driving and singing, i started
crying, realizing that all those songs are
about loss and pain.  and that makes me
very sad, for why would i want to cry
so badly? why would i want to remind myself
that i am in a strange land, with strange customs,
with strangers all around me, living in a silent house, alone,
without children or friends popping over, without the man i grew up
with from the age of 18 to the age of 40?

and it never fails, when i'm on my way to work, i want to write,
i think of sonnets and words start to fit themselves together
inside my head, but then i work for 12 hard hours and forget them
all

until

i start the drive home and start to think of words i want to put
together to express this

this

this utter

something

inside me, but i can't write when i get home
because i usually have to force myself to go to
bed so i can get up after just 5 hours and get ready
to work another 12, and when i wake up, the words,
like smoke, are gone

except

the outline of them lingers on my mind like years of
smoke stain the walls.

so today, because i don't have to work tonight, and
because i was crying and very sad at all the things
i once had and let slip, like the white sand of
the Lake Michigan beach, where we, as a family, spent
many a glorious summer afternoon and golden pink-blue evening,
through my hands, because of this feeling, i wanted to be held
and tenderly stroked by someone who knows me and loves me, so
i came here.

but he's not here and the words are running together too fast
in my head.

denise

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