because i can't wake up glenn

 

i sit here and type, my mailbox fills up with more words
that i can't find a response to, my eyes feel full of sand,
but should i lay down, they will open like a doll's. i just
sit here and put these words on this beautiful, bare white
space that always feels like a gift to me. this wonderful
way of taking out what i can't hold in any longer and
spitting it, like watermelon seeds, in a sure and certain
direction.

the time keeps moving though i want to stop it, back it
up. i used to feel this way when i was with a lover and
i knew he would be leaving soon. time lost its normal
progression of second by second and started moving
at the speed of light and nothing i could do would stop
it. not tears, not anger, not sorrow, not fear. nothing.

i light the 54th cigarette of the day and wish it would
be "the one," but know that were it to be, i would
leave behind in real life pieces of myself that will exist
as long as the people who love me exist.

it's hard to be loved. it's harder still to love without thought,
without fear, without regret. it's hard to imagine my life without
those souls who color it with a richness that takes my breath
away, like a sunset over the river, behind the mountains, timeless
and beautiful. what would the world be like without my children?
without my ex-husband? without my parents? without glenn?

every day i meet more and more people whom i can't imagine
life without.

denise
 

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