"...at my expense..."

 

crawled under a rock the other day
to see what was up. more rock. lots
of gray, hard, shiny rock. well of
course i knew what would be there,
i'm not completely round the bend
yet, but river rocks are smooth,
feel like satin in your hand. i
think it's the water that wears away
the hard edges. rushing water makes
my heart tender for some reason. i
always look at water with love.

mailman didn't leave any hope in my
box today while i slept beneath golden
dreams of other voices in far away
rooms. he rarely leaves hope. he
doesn't take away anything i leave
for him either, but i bet come Christmas
time he'll look in my box every day,
hoping to find some hope for himself.

there was this person once? a living
person? and they had this thing, see,
this life that was making sense in a
world where not everything does. and
they wanted me to share their life and
i thought that was cool. making sense
is easier than making a dollar twenty-five
sound like anything more than 2 dollars.

i guess that was one of the things i
hated the most. it was always, "that's
2000 bucks, denise," when it was really
1500. he rounded up too high for money,
and down too low for love.

but this isn't about money. i don't know
what it is about, but i'm pretty sure what
it's not.

i wanted to call him and say, "i looked it
up by accident and you were wrong, like i
knew you were. Spanish, when used in
a sentence denoting your ability to communicate
with others in it, is capitalized. i must
always have black and white references to
show you when i know you're wrong and i'm
right." i hate that. the most important
thing i was right and he was wrong about
didn't get confirmed until the plug was
pulled. that was too late and very sad.
i cry about it still sometimes. i'm right
about another thing, too, but the proof
won't come for years and of course by then
it will be too late.

i had a kind of argument with my supervisor
at work last night. she said she had a friend
in Georgia who is friends with Trisha Yearwood
and Trisha told her that she and Garth Brooks
had an affair about 2 or 3 years ago. well,
maybe she did and maybe she didn't, but it's
the time thing that bothered me. i have every
single album Trisha ever recorded, was a card
carrying member of her fan club, and if you knew
me at all you'd know how odd THAT is. the affair,
if it happened and i'm not doubting it did, was
over longer ago than that. couldn't convince kay
of that though. she was already pissed at me
because i called her on Debra's patient and said,
basically, "get off your ass and send this man
to the hospital, we're all worried about him."
she came flying down the hall and i could tell
she wanted to lay me out and flay me alive, but
she couldn't do it for some reason. and Debra,
who said many bad things about Kay, kept agreeing
with her and when Kay went down the hall to check
the man i told her that i would never do anything
like that for her again, and i mean it.

you ain't got guts enough to raise some dust over
something you believe in, and i help you do what's
right and then you fuck me over, we're going to have
a hard time working together. i may not have R.N.
after my name, but i've functioned as one and know
about as much as one and it's not stuff i learned
watching E.R. either. it's cold, deep knowledge
gained from working a variety of jobs with a variety
of patients in a variety of specialties.

don't use me. "my expense" is too expensive for you to
afford.

denise

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