all the rain

all the rain in the world won't cleanse me of my sorrow. 
everything stops eventually, pain included. sometimes 
i hold it in my hand, this sadness, and stroke it, hoping 
to bring it comfort. you can wrap sorrow up tightly and 
store it away in a closet in your mind, but you can't make
it disappear. you can only forget it for odd moments. i've 
already forgotten what it feels like to be pregnant, forgotten 
the peace of listening to my babies breathe in and out while
they slept. i thought i'd never forget that feeling. 

i've been writing all day but don't have anything of substance to say. 
mostly i've been writing and then erasing what i've written. mostly 
i've been quiet today. that doesn't mean i haven't been full of noise. i have. 

dinner was good. i ate too much. 

oh, i want to go home! i want to be where i know all the faces, 
where they all know me. i want to be with knapper. i made him 
love me and then i deserted him. that was so stupid. 

i think i can sleep now.


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